Lifestyle - Perfection Does Not Exist September 01 2017, 0 Comments
Why I want to share my story with you..
Because for a lot of years, well most of my life, I had no self worth, no self acceptance, I was always telling myself I was not and am not good enough, beautiful enough or worth anyones time or energy.
Never feeling quite good enough!
I believed all of this, and a lot more, it has affected me and my life more than I can say, and I believe to some extent, we are all guilty of doing this to ourselves at some point.
For me the negative self talk, helped me to give in to years of hidden pain, self abuse ( starvation, binge eating, anxiety, being my own bully) and abuse from others, as a child I went through the pain and trauma of having a parent not loving me or wanting anything to do with me, he still doesn't and it hurts, from suffering sexual abuse from a family friend from aged 5 to 8, from being severely bullied and nearly dying at the hands of my bullies from aged 5 to 15, and as an adult both sexual and mental abuse from former partners, these are just some of the battles I have fought and come through, not unscathed I have to say.
I am now however finally feeling my inner light, my inner girl goddess peeking through, I work on my mindset and myself each day, but I know it won't ever be an easy ride, I will always have the devil on my shoulder, I am not perfect, but that's ok, as I don't want to be, you see I don't believe perfect exists.
I will always be a work in progress, I believe we all will, and I will continue to love myself better each and every day, because I believe this stuff, the taboo subjects, the feelings we all have of not being good enough, the subject of abuse both physical, sexual and mental, mental health, addiction of all kinds, need to be talked about, not hidden away in a dark corner, or talked about in shushed tones and in secret rooms, as they are not something any of us should be ashamed of.
I was that girl who accepted the wrong kind of love and attention, because I needed to know I was okay, that I was part of the popular group at school, because I was worth loving.
I was that teenage girl who survived on an apple a day, and nearly killing myself in the process, because I wanted to be invisible, I thought if no one could see me, they would stop bullying me, the abuse would stop, the hatred I felt for me would stop, my dad would wouldn't hate me any more.
I was the women who became a binge/comfort eater to drown out the pain of failed relationships with men who seriously hurt and abused me, the failure of a marriage, the feeling of letting my kids down, the woman who still feels ashamed of my story, lonely and vulnerable as hell and scared that things won't get better.
But here's the thing, I know they do, because I now have an amazing and supportive husband, a wonderful family and a few close knit friends I can count on one hand and I am now running my own business, although it will be changing direction in the next few months.
But please don't think that my life is now a bed of roses, let me tell you it is far from it, I still have my life's struggles and a lot of work to do, to keep that self hating devil from my shoulder, to lose the weight i know I need to, ( 3 stone at least) to become healthy, so if anyone fancies being my accountability partner just holler, and I still have my dark days where I just want to curl up in a ball and hide.
But today is not one of those days, and the dark days are getting lighter, because deep down that inner light, my inner girl goddess, knows I am enough, and so gorgeous....
So are you, so let your inner light shine bright xx
Hugs & Wishes